A little more than a month ago I was on a run (an activity known to lead to trouble). I was about to hit this ridiculous hill that is right before my turn around when I had a familiar feeling. A prompting to do something. All of the sudden, a little girl came to my mind. She was a little girl I had seen on the waiting child list (the list of children who are "paper ready" but do not fit anyone's "request") a while before, but didn't think too much about it. She's a few years older than we had been approved for and has some health issues we didn't "request". I wasn't sure why God had put this girl in my heart, but I know one thing for sure; It was Him and He wanted me to do something.
When I was "prompted" to adopt, it was clear what God wanted me to do. I never questioned that we were going to adopt. This was different. I ran back home as quick as I could, I don't even remember running home because all I could think about was what Brad was going to say when I burst through the door and told him,"I don't know why, but we need to pray for this girl." He didn't have too much to say, I took him by surprise. He basically just said, "Ok".
I proceeded to ask people about her who had met her. Everyone who had met her just absolutely loved her. Okay...maybe this is God saying, "I know you're afraid, this is not what you imagined your adoption to be, just trust me." Alright, well, if this is something we need to consider I had better see if we CAN take care of a girl with this specific need. I spent hours talking to people at the clinic, my insurance company, friends I knew I could trust. Meanwhile, I just falling in love with this girl, but still unsure. Doors with the insurance company were opening, all of the people I spoke with were just amazing, we could do this!!! But I was still hearing this voice saying "Be patient..."
I tried to hand it over to the Lord, but I felt He wouldn't let me forget. I had so many fears and emotions going on, and those aren't always the best things to make choices on. I started a study about learning to discern God's voice over our own desires and just started praying that the Lord would make it absolutely clear what He was wanting from us. In my mind, this was Brad bursting through the door after a run saying "Let's do it! Let's bring her home!" (a little theatrical, I know! Haha!) Well, I believe God desires to speak to us, and I speculate that He gets a little excited when we are willing to stop and wait on him for our decisions.
So...He gave me an answer yesterday and it couldn't have been more clear. Another family is in Ethiopia right now with her and has decided to pursue adopting her. Not going to lie, it felt like I had been kicked in the gut. Why would God put this girl so strongly on my heart and then decide she wouldn't be ours? Why had I gone through all of that research and praying only to get a "No" from the one who put her in my heart in the first place?
And then I thought maybe, just maybe, God was showing me that He IS listening to me, and he DOES answer prayer, even if it's not how we thought it was going to be. He's teaching me to sit still and listen to what he's trying to say to me. I think He's teaching me some p p pa pa...I don't know if I can type it...PATIENCE!!! What the "H" Mario!? But, this HURTS! Is patience supposed to hurt? Am I doing this right? Maybe I don't really need it, maybe patience is for the birds, yeah, that's right, let the birds have it! Sigh...
I believe that there are no coincidences. God is working it out for His good and it's going to be okay. Our precious little girl is out there waiting for the day we get to hold her in our arms and call her ours. It will be worth the wait. And I got a brand new pair of running shoes just ready to get into some more crazy trouble!! Here I am Lord, and I'm listening.